Movie:  Noah

Rating:  2  Stars (Out of 5)

Review:  (Warning – major spoilers)  About 1656 years before the time period of this movie, God created Adam and Eve.  Now it is ten generations later, and Noah (Russell Crowe) is scuffling around with his wife Naameh (Jennifer Connelly) and three sons – Ham, Shem and Japheth, in a world that looks blighted and barren.   Noah chastises a son who picks a flower for ending its life, but has no problem clubbing and stabbing several miscreants who come around to rob them.  In those old testament times, no one turns the other cheek.

Then Noah and the family flee for their lives into a wasteland that is populated by the Watchers, who turn out to be fallen angels who have been transformed into creatures resembling transformers made out of boulders.  Noah decides to pay a visit to his grandfather Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins), who has been holed up in a cave for many years.  Old Methuselah (969 years or so) is pleased to see Noah, even though Noah did not bring any berries for the old fellow.  Noah falls asleep and dreams of calamities about to befall the world.  As a parting gift, Granddad gives Noah the last surviving seed from the garden of Eden.

Noah gathers the family together and gives them the bad news: “The Creator is going to destroy the world”.  They are told an ark needs to be built to survive the world ending flood, but there are no trees in this hostile land.  No problem.  When Noah drops the seed from the Garden of Eden into the dirt, a forest springs out of the earth with a flowing stream of water running through it.  Before long, some of the evil humans led by Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone) shows up to check out the ark building.  Tubal-cain believes the good times will keep rolling, and his clan acts like an out of control frat house with mega violence, sex and drinking.  Then it starts to rain.  Uh, oh….

Just as Noah is ready to launch with all the animals safely aboard, Tubal-cain and his horde bum-rush the ark.  The Watchers are smacking the desperate attackers like golf balls to give Noah time to escape, but the fallen angels eventually all get killed and shoot to heaven in a shaft of light.  (Query – can men kill angels???) Anyway, Noah slams the door to the ark shut, and they go floating off to wait for the world to be cleansed and so forth.  Unbeknownst to Noah, one of those evil folk managed to hide away on board, which causes problems down the road.

Eventually, the waters subside and the ark lands.  Oddly, we don’t see much of the animals who are now supposed to re-populate the surface of the earth.  And Noah turns out to be the world’s biggest pessimist, insisting the Creator (God is never mentioned) does not want man to survive.  They had their chance and blew it.  But fortunately for all of us, Shem’s wife Ila (Emma Watson) delivers twin girls, and mankind gets a second chance.

Sorry, this film is much too uneven, and CGI driven.  It seemed to be more concerned with Noah’s battles with Tubal-cain than saving the world.


Huh?  What the ….:  When the bad guys attack the ark, they are firing some kind of fiery projectiles similar to flare guns.   What was that about?   As for the stow-away on the ark, there are only supposed to be 6 people on the ark, so you would think it would be hard not to be noticed for 12 months.  Especially when said stow-away was munching on the critters for food.

Best Moment of Film:  Noah visits Methuselah, and doesn’t have a berry.  Ila visits the old fellow, and he is disappointed she hasn’t brought him berries.  For the love of God, can’t anyone bring the old geezer some berries?  Then just before the tidal wave of the flood hits him, Methuselah roots around in the grass and finds a berry!  I hope he had time to pop it in his mouth before he got snuffed….

Dialogue Nuggets:  Noah: “The Creator has judged us.  Mankind must end”.  The animals come out of the forest on their way to the ark:  “The snakes are coming, too”?




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