Movie:  Baywatch

Rating:  2 1/2 Stars (Out of 5)

Review:   Lt. Mitch Buchannon is on the job.  He is the head lifeguard on the elite Baywatch team that patrols the crowded beach at Emerald Bay, Florida.  Besides the families there to soak up the sun and fun, there are plenty of rowdy college kids and occasionally the criminal sorts preying on the unwary.  Mitch and his core group of incredibly beautiful and extremely competent lifeguards, (Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario), CJ Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), and Stephanie Holden (Ifenesh Hadera)), are there to save folks from drowning, getting in trouble, or just getting too sunburned.  Never a boring day at the beach.

Then things got really interesting.  As part of his community service for vague misdeeds, two time Olympic gold medalist Matt Brody, aka the “Vomit Comet” (Zac Efron) shows up to be a new lifeguard.  Cocky to the point of arrogance, Matt does not fit in with the Baywatch team.  Even worse, there seems to be a drug trade near Emerald Bay, and a few dead bodies popping up as well.  Mitch and the gang just can’t let the police worry about crime on the beach.  They are hell-bent on getting to the bottom of whatever is going on.  Maybe the stunning Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra) has something to do with Mitch and Zac’s interest.

Hoo boy, how to describe this movie?  If you like plenty of eye candy on the beach, or have a nostalgia for the old TV show, then you will probably enjoy this flick.  It indulges in frequent juvenile humor (Ronnie Greenbaum stuck in the beach chair was just pathetic), then tries to pivot into some serious action stuff.  Despite Dwayne’s considerable comedic skills and Zac’s impressive pecs, the movie just doesn’t jell.  Sorry gang.

Mimi Trailers:  Mitch to Matt – “This ocean will tear your man-gina off.”

Ronnie staring at CJ Parker – “She’s the reason I believe in God!”

Mitch – “We watch what other people don’t want to watch.  We protect what other people don’t want to protect.”

Mitch – “No one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails.  You disobeyed orders.  You can’t save anyone if you die.”  Matt – “I know, I messed up.”

Mitch to cop – “We were in lifeguard pursuit.”  Cop – “There is no such thing as lifeguard pursuit.  You’re just regular people pursuing regular people!”

Matt holding up Olympic medal – “Where did you find this?”  Mitch – “It washed up on the beach.  You only threw it 8 feet.”

Cameos – Yup.  They managed to shoehorn David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson into the show.

Baywatch TV Trivia:  Mitch Buchannon had a lot of relatives pop up over the years.  There was Gayle, Irene, Kyle, Buzz, Jim, Al, and two Hobie Buchannons.

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